Okay, I think I am ready to Tell…

I will preface all of this by saying, you are the expert of YOUR child. Not me, or anyone else for that matter, only you truly know what the ‘best’ way talk to your neurodivergent child about their neuro-type. If you are looking for some reassurance and some gentle guidance, then you are in good company.

The disclosure of neurodivergence continues to be a divisive topic and understandably so. It is filled with the unknown, emotions and wanting to protect our children from anything that could hurt them in anyway. However, it is important to note, that being neurodivergent is nothing to be fearful of, embarrassed or ashamed of. Depending on the age of your beautifully, magic-brained child, they will already intuitively know that they are different. They will quite likely be drawing their own conclusions about their intelligence, social skills, and how they interact with the world. They are possibly assuming things such as, “I am so stupid” because things don’t make sense to them. Or “Everyone hates me” because they are misunderstanding social cues all throughout their day.

The most recent evidence tells us that it is best practice to disclose a person’s neurodivergence sooner rather than later (Wheeler, 2020; Crane et al, 2021). However, that is not to say a parent should read the DSM-V to their 4-year-old as a bedtime story. A slow and age-appropriate approach should be considered, depending on the age of the individual (Wheeler, 2020). The idea behind this, is that it allows each person to developmentally grow with their neuro-type and a healthy understanding of who they are. The evidence explains that it helps a “…child to make sense of themselves and their differences in a positive way.” (Crane et al, 2021).

The research from experts explains that the two most common reactions from children to a diagnosis such as autism is, relief (that they aren’t ‘crazy,’ they are different) and denial (that others are the problem) (Crane et al, 2021). If your child presents with the latter, that does not mean you made the wrong decision. It means that they need more time, education and understanding. There are many picture story books available now that illustrate various neurodivergent conditions that discuss these differences in factual, yet positive ways so children can feel seen and not ‘othered.’

Our children, regardless of age, are far more intelligent than we as adults, give them credit for. They see that they are ‘different’ to their peers, which is possibly why relief is one of the most reported responses to a disclosure. Amaze (Sharing an Autism Diagnosis, 2016) recommends that listing your child’s strengths. Those which make them remarkable such as, “you have an amazing memory,” “You are an expert on…” Highlighting their strengths as part of who they are, and their neuro-type can lead to better outcomes in response (Sharing an Autism Diagnosis, 2016), because they often are not seeing the uniqueness of their brain. It further emphasises that they are NOT broken and they must hear from you! That you do not see them as broken. That you see your child as exactly who they are meant to be, perfect. Knowing they are neurodivergent changes nothing about your relationship with them and it shouldn’t be something that they are embarrassed of.

I have compiled some helpful books for children and adults below. I have read most of them, but not all of them. I recommend based on my own values and views. I hope you find them helpful.

List of picture story Books:

Benji, the Bad Day, and Me

A Friend for Henry

Talking is Not My Thing

A Different Sort of Normal

The Girl Who Thought in Pictures

The Brain Forest

The Panda on PDA

Sam Squirrel Has ADHD

Sam Squirrel Meets Anxious Eddie

The Curiosities

List of books for adults/parents:

NeuroTribes

Unmasking Autism

Different, Not Less

How Not to Fit In

The Year I Met My Brain

The Explosive Child

Fish in a Tree

References:

 Amaze (2016). Information Sheet: Sharing an Autism Diagnosis. https://www.amaze.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Amaze-Information-Sheet-Sharing-an-autism-diagnosis.pdf

Crane, L., Lui, L. M., Davies, J., & Pellicano, E. (2021). Autistic parents' views and experiences of talking about autism with their autistic children. Autism: the international journal of research and practice, 25(4), 1161–1167. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320981317

 Wheeler, M. (2020, May). Getting started: Introducing your child to his or her diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder. https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/learn-about-autism/getting-started-introducing-your-child-to-his-or-her-diagnosis-of-autism.html